Seriously, are you in a toxic relationship?
Is your love blind, but on the outside is clearly not working?
Have you ever had a friend who went for you to advice only to do the complete opposite the day later?
You sit and wonder, what the hell just happened? Then the next day everything you said goes down the drain and you’re back to square one?
I have. And if you’re reading this article, you’re probably that person, or someone else who has seen this experience before.
How to spot a toxic relationship
If you are a friend of a friend who is in a toxic relationship, you have to look at some of the key features.
When you’re friend is constantly asking for advice, but in reality is just there to rant – this is a red flag and you should be sus!
Being the great friend you are, you listen to them – you see, to them it is like letting all the enraged anger out, and that’s good for them, you don’t want to let them bottle that in.
BUT! This is a temporary relief, your friend will come back to you the next day with a different problem, only to rant to you once more.
This is a toxic relationship
When you see your friend have split personalities (trust me, this is a thing)
This means that when they are with you, they are constantly complaining, frustrated and miserable.
You can clearly see the effects the relationship is having, and being the good friend you are, you tell it to him straight. He should choose wisely, and really think if he is happy in this relationship or not.
Your friend, being the love bird he is, thinks about it for a brief second.
BUT! The next day, it’s a new day, the sun bright an shining, the wind is clear and fresh, and guess what?
He is seeing the misses to amend things once again!
HE FORGETS EVERYTHING YOU TELL HIM, AND SO IT’S BACK TO SQUARE ONE.
This can be a good thing – unless it happens on a weekly basis
This is a toxic relationship
What to do when your friend is IN a toxic relationship
Honestly, this is a tough question.
It is more of like a step to step process, let me tell you what I do: (If the first step doesn’t work, move to the next one!)
- Be straight up: Being a great friend means you tell your mate that sometimes they’re being ignorant, bias or just stupid. People now-a-days get offended too easily. If you are a great friend, you are solely thinking of you friends feelings and what the best possible outcome could be. This may be the option they would dread the most.
- Hold them accountable for their actions: The reason why young people don’t ever listen is because when you’re young, you’re blind. The saying “love is blind” is as true as it gets, and most of the time your good friend will not see this, unless the 3rd party (you) shows it to them. At this point you know your friend ain’t listening, so make a bet with them – “If you guys argue this week, you owe me $10” – as savage as it is, it is not about the money, nor the bet itself. It is about opening their eyes to the pain their only doing to themselves.
- Distance yourself: There comes a time where your friends toxicity becomes contagious. This is especially relevant in your own relationship – you don’t want to be spending a lot of time with your ‘good’ friend. Sometimes the best way to learn, is to learn on your own. This is something you must accept, to keep yourself safe. Distance yourself, maybe it would be an eye opener for them.
- Intervene: I leave this last – because this is a very controversial step. NOTE: THIS SHOULD ONLY BE USED AT THE RIGHT TIMES, E.G. A CRIME ON ONE HALF HAS BEEN COMMITTED SUCH AS CHEATING! I’ve personally used this step, and i’ll give you an example. One half of the spectrum – let’s call her Mary, and the other half was Joe. Mary was my so-called ‘good friend’, where as Joe was ALSO my friend, but not as close. Mary had committed the crime, but had refused to tell Joe – she was planning to NEVER tell him. Both parties were my good friends, but I will not stand for something so vicious. I explain to Mary that she has done the unthinkable, and now has to suffer the consequences for her actions. She hesitates, but I give her the final push. I hold her accountable, and ensure that she does the right thing. They talk, they break-up, Mary curses me for pushing her to do it. What’s the moral of the story? They are still together but living in a very toxic relationship.
My advice: Pick your social circle very carefully. Real, authentic friends will help you when you’re at your low, and will only act in your best interest.
They will never do anything behind your back, and will always use both logic and care when assessing the situation and letting YOU know whats up.
Friends who are in a toxic relationship and refuse to do anything about it, who end up ‘bugging’ you for advice are just ‘blind’ – you cannot blame them for their mistakes, because as you know, people will go to the ends of the world for their other half.
On the other end of the spectrum, these friends may genuinely need help, and therefore need a reality check by going through the steps!
Your time is precious. “Every second you spend angry is robbing you from being happy!”
I never understood this concept, but I realise now that my time is precious, and the people I want to spend my time with are the people who will elevate me, and give me the good vibes that lead to a happy life.
Don’t spend time with people who are going to make you miserable yourself. They’re not worth the time. If they really cared about you, they would listen and be mature and sort it out.